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Lil Bug
22 June 2015 @ 12:29 am

I'll never forget the way he softly sang to me as I laid in that hospital bed.

Half asleep from being drugged, and the rest of me wooed from being able to be serenaded to sleep by the one I'd coveted for years. I think of it now, as the tears sting my eyes, and I'm clenching my jaw to fight their fall so tight, it hurts. But it doesn't hurt anywhere near as much as being able to confess the secret to him I kept for years, only to have my wildest dreams turn to an ongoing torturous nightmare, that I can't emotionally escape from.

From my soul I'm bleeding again, and inside me the river is running hard, constant and wild. I'm fighting moving my blade to my thigh to hide the lines I ache to leave behind, but I honestly just don't want to bleed. I'm tired of the fights with him about it, the shame I feel when he sees, the questions that always end up hurting me... 

I know he hates it. But its a part of me...has been for a while now. So in hating it, he's essentially hating me.

Didn't think you were supposed to hate your friends. Especially your so-called 'best friend'.

"Now I lay me down to weep.
My loving heart was yours to keep.
But instead you chose this heart to break.

...and its bleeding."

Lil Bug
17 June 2015 @ 07:12 am

Let me tell you something:
If you notice something that I’ve done, if it’s not great,
If you see a flaw, saw a mis-step, a mistake,
I caught it too.
But I’ll use it as an excuse to escape
Into old bad habits and the most unfriendly thoughts,
My bad bloody methods and frequent mental haunts,
But let me tell you something:
...it’s a long way down from where I am.

Let me tell you something:
If I’m hurting then you’ll know it too,
But you’ll just prolly brush it off
Like you've been programmed to do.
Because I wear that glow as camouflage,
And I don’t blame you
For mistaking the inferno of an implosion for sunshine,
Because really all burning fire is bright, (isn’t it?)
Every distraction is purposely there to hide
My internal struggles and my fight deep inside
That lets me say, "Really, I swear to you that I’m okay."
But let me tell you something:
It’s a long way down from where I am.

Let me tell you something:
I know who, and how, and why I am
But that doesn’t mean a damn thing at 4 a.m.
In the morning when my only constant company just happens to be
The very things I’m always hiding from you inside of me
Oh, you wouldn’t believe what I see (in myself)
Through a fog of depression fueled by not enough sleep,
And let me tell you something:
It’s a long way down from where I am.

Let me tell you something:
Some days it gets hard for me to just even breathe
And I’d give anything to run away, be able to leave
And never return, to never ever come back
Because every word I hear feels like a savage attack
Trying to crack my fragile grasp on what is and isn’t
And that knowledge that is always seeming just so implicit
Has been dangling anyway–
I have always been afraid of letting too much go, because oh
God, let me tell you something:
It’s a long way down from where I am.

Let me tell you something:
I’m not one for secrets
And don't hold a fondness for lies,
But I am a big fan of permanently closing my eyes
And covering everyone else’s from their vision of me
Because sometimes I know that it’s better to be blind than to see
This broken image of myself that's long slipped away from me
So here I am on my tower that stands inside of my head
Blinded by pain I've walked right up to the edge
And looking down I realize I have no room left to stand
And really, it’s a long way down from where I am

...but I’m scared
Because I'm not afraid of falling.
But even worse; I'm ready to jump.

Lil Bug
08 June 2015 @ 10:30 pm
Its funny how people say when you need help, you're supposed to reach out...

Yet every time I reach out, I'm met with turned backs, unanswered text messages and voice mail boxes.

Since my surgery, people have shown me just how UN-reliable they really are.

I've been absolutely miserable as of late, and the more I'm left alone, the worse it gets. I miss the way things used to be. I miss the life I felt like I had. The sense of purpose and belonging. Now, everything is just empty. I'm empty.. and falling. Its like no one believes me when I say I'm afraid to be alone because of how I feel. The old ways of distracting myself haven't worked in a while, and I keep fighting with myself, trying to persevere in the face of this utter hopelessness I've been feeling. I'm sorry that I NEED to feel valued by someone. I'm sorry that the way I'm fucked up is because I have a codependency issue that stems from my childhood. At least I can identify it, right? At least I know WHAT my fault is. Its why I need to feel like I'm special to someone, and when I don't, I inwardly fall apart. Its why I've been in ruins for so long, and because of where I left my heart, I can't even THINK about getting my pieces back together.

Most people don't know what their problem is, or don't know why they feel they way they do, let alone how to fix it. Mine's simple... yet every time I go to explain it to someone, they think I'm supposed to just fill the empty holes with my children. Well, that's not how it works. I can't find significant other intimacy in a child. I can't find the sense of belonging that I get from my 'other half' in a child. Its not the same. Its not even close. Yet, I'm apparently supposed to find this solace in my offspring? How ridiculously asinine.

For the longest time I was a firm believer that if someone REALLY wanted to kill themselves, they wouldn't say anything to anyone about it because they wouldn't want to be stopped. I still believe that to be true. I also believe that someone who is suicidal doesn’t necessarily WANT to die. They just don't want to feel the pain they're being subjected to by living. That is entirely true in my case. I don't WANT to die. I want to live, and continue to learn things, and make memories. But what I don't want is to feel worthless every day. To not want to look in the mirror because of how much I'm disgusted with myself because I obviously don't have what it takes to be wanted by someone. To be loved. For someone like me, who NEEDS that desire from another person to feel good... its my own sentence to self-destruction.

What's the point of having amazing talents and abilities if there's no one around to see them? What was the point of learning all the lessons I claimed to have learned from all of the relationships I was in prior, if I have no one to apply them to? All of the medical issues I've had have made it that much harder to feel okay at the end of the day. They've made me feel broken, less than human, and certainly less than desirable. Having no one to help me up when I'm down, hold me when scared, comfort me when I feel anxious, and essentially just BE THERE for me in ways I can't be there for myself, has made this shitty situation dangerously worse.

It's like either no one believes me when I tell them how I feel, or they just don't care. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be afraid to be left by myself because all I think of is "unhealthy" things. But the more I'm left alone, and the more I'm essentially ignored, the worse it gets. I know that one day I'm not going to be here to write about how I'm tired of hurting, because one day I'm going to just give in, and not fight it anymore. I'm sorry this is how I'm programmed, I'm sorry that feeling like I'm part of something is so goddamned important to me, I'm sorry that I find joy in being desired by someone. I wish it wasn't this way. Especially when the people I reach out to tell me that I'm "stupid" for feeling this way. That I need to find comfort in my children, and that I'm entirely wrong. I wish other people didn't mean so fucking much to me. I wish I didn't desperately ache on the inside to be held in someone's arms and made to feel that its okay. That no matter how tough being sick is, that I'm not in it alone, and when I fall down in my fight to beat this disease, that I have someone there at my side to help me up, and in them, I can find support to continue and strength to carry on when I feel weak...

But this isn't that perfect world. And instead of being held, I'm left alone to be eaten alive by internal fear and anxiety. That instead of being picked up when I fall, I'm left alone to fester and rot. Instead of finding strength in someone else, I'm left to weaken even more, and to fall to pieces before I eventually self-destruct. I'm sorry that after years of pushing on, the bad things that have happened to me have chipped away at my armor. After years of fighting and being tough, I've become riddled with holes, and I can't fucking fill them on my own. I reach for help and I'm shunned, chastised, scolded, and reprimanded, which has only been making it worse for me instead of making me feel better.

I'd give anything to feel your arms around me. Sacrifice whatever to have you at my side to help me pick myself up, and carry me away from the mess I've become; because I can't fucking do it alone. No one's been listening, no one believes me... no one fucking cares.

So mournfully I sit, in solitude and hurting, being consumed by an emptiness that I alone can't make go away.
i feel: lonelylonely
Lil Bug
02 June 2015 @ 11:38 am

Really thinking about starting to tell people I have schizophrenia. Then I won't have to hold back and restrain myself every time that inner voice talks to me. I can just give it a name, watch what happens when I 'speak my mind' and revert more internally. Hiding the 'real' me away from the world...       ...the world that hurts me so fucking much.

"Monsters are real. They're just disguised as people."

Not like anyone cares anyways, their actions have shown me that. People are fucking selfish, and the minute you go and try to do something for yourself, essentially turning it right back around on them; they freak the fuck out. Because you're not allowed to treat other people the way they treat you, you're not allowed have feelings or emotions, or an opinion on something that directly pertains to you. You're supposed to just be some fucking puppet. A marionette, controlled by the strings of the people who are supposed to be your friends.

Well maybe its about high time I cut the strings.

I sure as fuck am sick of cutting myself. I don't even like to do it.  It doesn't work the way it used to, that's for sure.

Lil Bug
22 May 2015 @ 08:00 pm

Its getting harder and harder to keep it together.

Harder and harder to keep the barrel out of my mouth or blade off my wrist.

Lil Bug
17 May 2015 @ 11:24 pm

Once upon a time there was a little girl, who was born to a Father that never wanted her, and a Mother who couldn't love her. She was also born with a genuine heart, and because of her heart, she could only love truly. Normally this would not be a bad thing had she been placed in a life to where she would be appreciated and loved. But fate can be cruel, and the little girl instead was given an existance of emotional torture, and being surrounded by those who would only cause her immeasurable pain.

Her Mother never showed her love because the woman was lost in a bottle, so the little girl always felt uncomfortable when it came to expressing emotion to other females, and often stumbled awkwardly through social interactions unless surrounded by males. Her Father too, was partially to blame for her associative gender preference, because internally she was subconsciously seeking out the male attention and acceptance she never had with him unbeknownst to her at the time. But that big heart in her chest kept on feeling after every time someone broke it, as she was uncapable of stopping it, and the deep cracks eventually worked themselves up into her head, spider-webbing her self confidence and bleeding her trust of humanity dry.

Eyes that used to shine had become sunken and downcast over the years, while lips that used to beautifully sing as a child barely split anymore as an adult to speak. Marks showed up on her skin to tell those who saw a story, of the internal struggle she fought to feel something different than the pain. But criticism of her means drove her inwards still, all the while her heart still causing her to feel. But it wasn't uplifting love and wonderous adoration, it was rejection, self loathing, topped off by feeling hopelessly worthless; as she'd been told too many times by those she felt for that she just wasn't able to be loved by them in return.

One day it just became too heavy, even though she'd been fighting to keep up so hard and for so long,but she was ridiculously weak from never winning the battles life always cast at her feet. She knew she couldn't stop her heart from feeling, even though she'd tried countless times, so in a move of desperation to stop the pain, she came up with a plan. She couldn't stop her heart from lovingbut she couldstop her brain from thinking, and seeing as how the one couldn't function without the other, she discovered a way out of her misery.

The closest she often locked herself in when she made the arm marks with a surgeon's blade had a .22 caliper rifle in it, hidden on the highest shelf. She felt horrible about the aftermath that she was sure would ensue later,but she couldn't stop the pounding in her head and the burning sting in her heart. She knew no one would fully understand, but this decision wasn't for them, and for the first time in a long time she was doing something only for herself.

A metal hanger was stretched out into a diamond shape after she'd locked the door behind her, and she could barely muffle her sobs as she reached high up on the shelf. Green eyes poured black rivers down her cheeks as she sat down on the floor, and both hands shook as she carefully bent the hanger's hook around the trigger. The nausea was nearly overwhelming as she placed the cold barrel in her mouth, acidic vomit burning the back of her throat while the metal diamond's tip was looped over her big toe. For the briefest of moments she internally begged that someone would walk in, pull her into their arms and protect her from the pain, being her permanent Prince Charming who would love her unconditionally. But she knew after multiple agonizing failures that her sought out happiness was a dream, and finding someone who could love her was a fantasy that would never come true.

She'd been fighting her whole life to be happy, and every time she came close, fate would rip it out from under her in a movement of revolving cruelty; knocking her to her knees if not completely on her back. At least this would be the last time she'd ever have to fight for anything, and she was actually finally capable of achieving something for herself, stopping the crippling pain that she desperately had tried to conquer her whole entire life. She closed her eyes, swallowed hard, and pushed her foot forwards in the last manifestation of her desperate fight for inner peace.

The End.

Lil Bug
10 May 2015 @ 04:59 am

Even though I've stared at it long enough to where I should be able to, I can't tell you how many times my ceiling fan blades spin in one minute at 4:53am...

I can only tell you that the blood on the scalpel is dry now, and even though my arm hurts, my swirling head and the pressure on my chest has subsided for now...

...even though it keeps getting harder to keep the blade away from my wrists...

...and face.

Lil Bug
19 April 2015 @ 10:48 pm

There's no real point in telling anyone you'll be sitting in your closet with a scalpel before you go missing, when you know that no one even cares enough to really look.

...its not that I even enjoy cutting, I never have. I fucking hate pain anymore.

It just allows me to feel something different aside from miserable, and helps focus my mind by pulling me out of the swirling chaos that my over feeling and ever loving heart condemns me to.

I'm sure I'll write more, but tonight isn't the night; and tomorrow probably won't be the day either.

Lil Bug
13 February 2015 @ 10:06 pm

You didn't have to lie to me... especially when I already knew what you were doing.

Forget his name
Forget his face,
Forget his kiss
His strong embrace.
Forget the love you thought you knew,
Remember, he's chosen her instead of you.
Forget him when you hear his song,
Remember, you cried all night long.
Forget how close friends you two were
Remember, he has chosen her.
Forget you memorized how he walked
Forget the way he used to talk,
Forget all the things he used to say
Remember, he has walked away.
Forget his laugh,
Forget his grin,
Forget the dimple in his chin
Forget the way he held you tight
Remember, he's with her tonight.
Forget the time that went so fast
Forget the love you had, it's passed.
Forget he said he'd leave you never
And remember that he's gone forever.
i feel: lonelylonely
tunes: The sound of my tears
Lil Bug
27 August 2014 @ 01:44 am

I don't even know if he knows who this is, but it's by someone I bet he'd like.
Just for once, I want it to be a good day for him. Not like all the rest.
And it'd be even better if *I* was the reason it went well.
...here's to hoping.


Happy Birthday, Trigger.

NF - This Thing Called Love

This thing called love, Can be so cold
It can be miserable, Or it can be beautiful
This thing called love, Can be so cold
Sometimes it's amazing
Sometimes it's crazy
This thing called love
[Verse 1:]
Check, check, eh
Listen, Your love is like a drug that Everybody uses
You wanna know the outcome
Depends on how you use it
Love could be your best friend
Love can be your enemy
Love can be the thing you wish you had
But you don't ever see
Love can be the reason why You're afraid to have it
Some say it like it means something Others says I have it
And some would say it's tragic
Some say it's beautiful
Some say it's black and it's dark Like a funeral
And some would die for it
Some don't think it's even real
Some say they understand
But don't know how it feels
Some say that it's alive
Some say that it can kill
But most of us that been in it
Know that sometimes it will
I ain't gonna sugarcoat it
Yea, sometimes it might surround you
One minute it's saving you
Next it's trying to drown you
Some people want to show it
But were never taught how to
And some of us is searching for it
Feeling like it never found you
[Verse 2:]
Your love is like a privilege
A lot of us abuse it
Do with it what we want
And then start crying when we lose it
Pretend that it ain't nothing to us
Pretend like it's useless
We don't know why we do this
But yet, we still pursue it
And love, it can consume you
Turn you into something else
Bury the real you so deep
That you can't even find yourself
Love, it can change you
Love, it can tear you down
Be the best thing you ever had
And kick you on the ground
Yo, you get on that high level
Yea, you scared to fall
Cause you know if that person hurts you
You gonna lose it all
They told you they would be there for you
They don't even call
So that openness you used to have
Has become a wall
Some say that it's patient
Some say that it's kind
I don't think it's invisible
But I know that it's blind
To some it's only physical
Or all up in their mind
See, it probably isn't there
If you're struggling to find it
[Verse 3:]
This love has got me down low
Now I guess I'm up high
One minute I'm on the ground
Next minute I'm in the sky
I feel invincible
And so unrejected
Forget it, I'm invisible
And I feel unprotected
Yo I don't need nobody else
Trust me, I'm fine
I can't do this by myself
I'm losing my mind
I can see clearly
Forget it
I'm blind
My heart says "DANGER"
Can't you read the signs
Yo but through all the pain
I swear I love it
No matter what you do
It don't disappear
Does it
(Yo) I'd rather
Spend a minute with love in my life
Than go a million years without knowing
What it's like
You better grab it
You don't want to lose it
It brings pain
It's insane
But the bruises
My God can take that all away
You find that right person
And everything that you thought that wasn't
Becomes worth it

i feel: lonelylonely
tunes: NF - This Thing Called Love